What's in a Name? A Mother's Love for her Children

I know several people who have had the names of boyfriends and girlfriends – husbands and wives – tattooed on their bodies – the ultimate romantic gesture. I’ve also seen these same people, years, months, weeks, days later, having the same names covered up.

I’ve heard it said before that having someone’s name tattooed on your body is the kiss of death to relationships. Is this true? I really don’t know. And I am not entirely certain where I stand on the issue. There is someone in my life whose name I would like to have tattooed on my body. Holding tightly to superstition (or, on a deeper level I have feared uncertainty) he has convinced me that this is a bad idea.

As with anything and everything in life, there are some couples whose relationships have survived having their partners name tattooed on their bodies. For other couple, perhaps it was the kiss of death.

Whatever the case, I would be willing to bet it is more a function of the relationship than the tattoo, but this one statement could turn into an entire essay or dissertation all on its own merits.

There are a lot of people who have the names of people they love tattooed on their bodies. As I think of the title of this project – “Soul to Skin” – I think of tattoos as visible reflections of those intimately important things we feel in our hearts and souls. Most of us have people in our lives that we love. People who have touched those deep and often inaccessible places in our hearts and spirits. In my experience, a love that strong – the kind that stirs our spirit in ways we never dreamed – is something I (you?) want to share with the entire world.

I have the initial ‘e’ in two different tattoos to represent my daughters, Emerson and Eleanor. Recently I had a tattoo placed on my ankle that is scripted in my Mom’s handwriting. My daughters and my mother are part of who I am – biologically, familiarly, emotionally, spiritually – it only made sense to want all of those internal love connections made visible on my skin. I am not alone.

It has been several months since I met with Tracey. She had several interesting stories to tell, and I will do so – one at a time. Even without knowing her or having a conversation with her, the art on her body speaks volumes about the love she has for her children and family. The depth of feeling in her heart and soul is recognizable to the naked eye.

Her children’s names are scripted on her wrists – a mother’s badge of pride and celebration for and in honor of the sons and daughter who mean more to her than mere words can describe. As a mother, and, I imagine as many mothers out there reading this, I can relate completely to my children being the center of my universe. Despite the mistakes we might make along the way as we hone our parenting skills, our children, my children, are the most amazing things I have done with my life. If I were to draft a resume of my life’s greatest accomplishments, Em and Ella would be at the tippy-top of the list above anything and everything else I have done.

This story, and I apologize for the digression, is about Tracey.

In January 2008, Tracey, her three children and her cats, packed up their belongings and memories, gently placed into a U-Haul and moved from Maryland to Liberty, South Carolina. Her husband, at that time, remained in Maryland preparing the home they had lived in for sale.

He finally made it down to Liberty the following August, and almost immediately upon his arrival, announced that he wanted a divorce. Tracey and her husband had been married for 17 years, and despite hindsight which has made her think that he had been planning the divorce for some time, 17 years is a long time to love another person, to share a life, to share children. 17 years’ worth of memories (good and bad), love, laughter, tears, worries, victories … no one but a robot could wipe these things out of her heart and mind in a matter of minutes.

No matter how poor a marriage might be divorce is painful for all parties involved. Bottom line.

As I talk with Tracey, I am impressed by her compassion and tender-heartedness; within her I also see a fighter and a strong woman. Someone who is capable of grieving yet simultaneously picking herself up by the old proverbial boot-straps and getting on with the getting on. Frankly, as a mother who has children depending on her, Tracey (and other women like her) had no other option really. She picked up the pieces and started to reconstruct a life without her husband.

Possessing a new found freedom, Tracey decided that she was going to start living for herself instead of making choices that centered, primarily, on pleasing her husband. Because he had never been a fan of tattoos or the amazing artistry brought to life in their indelible placement on a human canvas, one of the first things Tracey decided to do for herself was to get the tattoo she had always wanted.

Tracey has always had an appreciation for art. Her home is decorated with paintings done by her step-dad. Her appreciation of art extends beyond traditional forms of paint, watercolor and charcoal sketches, evidenced by the fact that she had always wanted a tattoo. After seeing the 1981 film Tattoo – staring Bruce Dern and Maude Adams – her appreciation of tattooing morphed into a deeper love for the artistry.  Tracey recalls that “it was kind of a spooky movie,” but she loved the way the tattoos looked.

On October 17, 2008, Tracey got her first tattoo. The significance of the date: it was her wedding anniversary. She and her husband were no longer together; rather than succumbing to sadness, Tracey decided to make the day an opportunity to celebrate the positive aspects of this new chapter in her life.

Located on her lower back, Tracey’s first tattoo celebrates the bond she shares with her children, parents and sister.

 

“It’s a heart with wings and Sam did it at Amber Island. Underneath of it - it has starting at my youngest son’s initials, then my middle son, then my daughter, and then my sister and then my parents. Because first of all, they lift my heart, so the wings are them,” said Tracey. “Your children will always be your children. Your siblings will always be your siblings. Your sister is always going to be your sister and your parents are always going to be your parents, but there is no way in hell that your husband [is always going to be] your husband. So his initials are nowhere. Even though he [her son] is a junior, it always says ‘jr’ after his initials.”

Inspired by another woman with whom Tracey worked, she decided to have her children’s names tattooed on her wrists.

“I thought, I want something to stand out because my children are my world,” said Tracey. “So I had my daughter’s name and my sons’ names done.”

Funny story: In March 2008, before she moved to South Carolina, Tracey had to have three discs in her neck fused (This would not be the funny part). She and her husband had planned a trip to SC to visit her parents, but because of the recent surgery, Tracey was prohibited from traveling. Her daughter, Alyssa, stayed in Maryland with her and her husband brought their boys down to visit with their grandparents.

“Of course I was on pain medicine,” said Tracey. “Alyssa had her cell phone and I had my cell phone. She sent me a text one night and it said ‘Good night. I love you.” And the next morning, she said mamma, are you ok? And I was like, yeah, why?”

“She said did you see the text message you sent me? And I said ‘no. What did I say?’”

“She showed me, and it said “luv vavt.” That was the text message I sent her. And I’m looking at my phone and I’m thinking I don’t know what that was. And that became just a little thing between me and Alyssa,” said Tracey. “And she’ll send me a message through the day and she’ll say “luv vavt.” And it’s our little thing mother-daughter.”

Recalling this story, Tracey went back to Moto at Amber Island (who had done the tattoos of her children’s names) and she had the words “luv vavt” added with her daughter’s name.

Although Shakespeare’s Juliet might not place a great deal of significance in a name [Juliet: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."] there are those of us who do – especially when it comes to our family and significant others – our children and loved ones.

Having a loved one’s name tattooed on the body is an outward expression of the bond and relationship shared between the parties. I imagine there is less likelihood that anyone would have a family member’s name covered up or removed – compared with the name of a romantic love interest – but I am still not convinced that having a lover’s name tattooed marks the beginning of the end of the romance.

True love, I believe, transcends words and has forever been a subject tackled by artists and writers alike. Again, I imagine this is another topic for another time. 

Zukeasha: Phoenix Rising

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller

I hadn’t planned on an interview last night because I have felt behind and guilty for not catching up sooner. [Oh the things I allow my brain to do to me sometimes.] Funny how, once again, I was humbled by the realization that people are put into my life at specific times because they show or tell me something that I need to hear. Of course, I would like to hope that the reverse is true – that perhaps I offer others something that they need at the time.

Truth be told, I had gone up to Amber Island to see Moto if only for a brief moment and an amazing hug.

In so doing, I had the great fortune of meeting Zukeasha, hearing her story and documenting the mythical phoenix as it rises from the flames into the beautiful serenity of a lotus. Before I dive completely into Keasha’s story, nerd that I am, I feel compelled to offer a brief note on the phoenix.

The phoenix is a sacred firebird documented in the mythologies of the Arabian, Persians, Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, Chinese, Indians and Phoenicians. Described as a bird with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends), the phoenix has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. Some stories suggest that the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (literally "sun-city" in Greek). The phoenix is said to utter a cry that is a beautiful song, and the tears of the phoenix are also believed to have healing properties.

Lotus Flowers grow in the deep mud, far away from the sun; however, the Lotus eventually reaches the light becoming the most beautiful flower ever. Regarded in many cultures and eastern religious as a symbol of purity, enlightenment, self-regeneration and rebirth, the characteristics of the Lotus create a perfect analogy for the human condition: even when its roots are in the dirtiest waters, the Lotus produces the most beautiful flower.

When she was a little girl, Keasha dreamed of becoming a doctor; as an adult, she found herself working for a corporation, like so many others, the soul of which is driven by financial gain. Instead of having the opportunity to develop close relationships with patients needing a gentle touch or warm reassurance, she found herself in a sterile cubicle – the antithesis of her childhood dream.

Like everyone else in America these last few years, Keasha felt the overwhelming burden of our troubled economy. With a daughter to support, leaving her corporate job was not an option despite the fact that she was miserable being there. Like so many of us have felt at moments in our lives, she was stuck: The weight of responsibility often outweighs the desires of personal ambition.

Faith and Divinity conspired, and one afternoon Keasha found herself in a meeting with one of the corporate human resources personnel. In the lingo of the corporate machine, she was being “let go.” Instead of being plagued with anxiety about how she would manage financially, how she would provide for her family, she allowed that door in her life to close with a rush a relief so clear that the individual letting her go was startled by Keasha’s calm demeanor.

On the path to becoming a respiratory therapist, Keasha is living her adult version of that childhood dream. Listening to her talk about school and the direction she is headed, I couldn’t help but feed on her excitement and energy. She said she feels like she is doing something meaningful with her life because instead of having a career that focuses on earning more money for other people, she will be doing something to help people in need.

Think about this – breath – breathing is the very foundation of life. When we stop breathing, we die. As a respiratory therapist, Keasha is moved by the thought of helping people breathe and improving the quality of their lives.   

The tattoo of the phoenix, rising from flame into the serenity of the lotus, symbolizes this dramatically positive change in Keasha’s life. She told me that with everything going on, she came to the profound realization that she might not be able to change or assert control over certain circumstances, but she can make changes in herself and her response to whatever circumstance in which she happens to find herself. One paramount key to this realization for Keasha has been self-acceptance and learning to love and embrace the essence of who she is and all she will continue to become.

On a personal note, what inspired me most about Keasha is the role model she is for her daughter. The three of us – Moto, Keasha and myself – went off on a tangent about children’s television programming. During our conversation, she and I agreed that we liked Dora the Explorer much better than the Disney Princesses because Dora is independent. She has a map, a back-pack and a monkey and, unlike the princesses who tend to rely on men for their rescue, Dora takes the old proverbial bull-by-the-horns and figures it out herself. We agreed that we much preferred Dora as a role model for our daughters for these very reasons.

I couldn’t help but think about what an amazing example Keasha is for her daughter. While she was in a job that she despised, she did not quit or walk away because she had responsibilities and commitments to fulfill and uphold. And when the divinity of the universe conspired in her favor and closed that corporate door, she confidently and gracefully walked through a new door, negotiating all the twists and turns leading her to the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. What an incredible gift to give to a child – especially one shared between mother and daughter.

Because of the choices she has made (not the “do as I say, but not as I do” hypocrisy), Keasha is a shining, living example for her daughter to never give up on her dreams, to work diligently, to be responsible, to be committed, to never give up, and that when one holds tightly to faith and hope, nothing is impossible.