Needing Reminders

Looking back on my thirty-five years of life, there is not one day I can recall when my Mom has neglected to tell me that she loves me. I’ve often wondered if this has spoiled me in my adult life and relationships. There are certain people in my life who I know, without a doubt, love me, but it is certainly nice to have that loved affirmed.

People with whom I’ve been in relationships have made me feel “needy” for wanting this, and I have allowed certain people to make me feel like I was weak or insecure simply because I enjoy being told I am loved or wanted, needed or desired. Wanting and craving affirmations doesn’t make me or anyone else weak – it makes me human. It makes me Nicole, and from this day forward I refuse to feel poorly about myself because hearing someone say he loves me or desires me is important to me!

There was a recent special about Demi Lovato (I know her only because Em and Ella watch Disney Channel. Not that there would be anything wrong with owning her CD ;) on MTV. On her inner wrists (palm side of the hand) from left to write, are tattoos reading “Stay Strong.”

The only difference between Lovato and Lance Armstrong’s “Live Strong” campaign is that her reminder is permanently etched into her skin as opposed to imprinted on a removable yellow rubber bracelet.

Thinking about writing this entry, I couldn’t help but replay the SNL “Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley” skit where the character, developed and played by Al Franken, ended each ‘episode’ with a look in the mirror and the mantra ‘I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it: people like me!”

As I have the opportunity to meet and talk with more and more people, I have noted a common theme or trend: many people get tattoos as affirmations or reminders of one kind or another, which leads me to the conclusion that I am not the only person out there who needs to be reminded that I am loved, or that I am good enough, or to have faith, think positively, and be happy.

When I was a chubby kid struggling through gymnastics class because I didn’t possess the same level of athleticism as the other girls and because I carried a heftier weight on my frame, my coach took me aside one day and said there are always going to be people who are better at this than you, and there are going to be people who are worse. There are going to be people who are chubbier and people who are thinner; people who are faster and people who are slower. You simply need to be the best you you can be.

This is true when it comes to optimism and positive thinking. There are some people (for a varying degree of reasons including childhood experiences, chemical make-up of the brain, etc.) who have an easier time being happy than others. Some people struggle, while for others, genuine happiness is as natural as having brown eyes or long legs. People are different and that is what makes the world amazing.

Some of us need more reminding, more affirmation than others, and there is nothing wrong with this.

Tracey, one of the women I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing, has a tattoo on her right upper, inner arm that reads “Hold on to your happy.” For her, this serves as a reminder to stay bright and positive even when life might be throwing things at her that make happiness a struggle.

Tattooed on my left wrist are a flower and the word Believe. This serves as a reminder to hold on to my belief in God – to believe in myself – to believe in miracles and that anything is possible. Some days I need to be reminded of that more than others.

During the period of my life and career when I worked as a counselor at both a domestic violence shelter and later at a substance abuse facility, I always decorated my office space with inspirational (affirmation) quotes. Many of my clients needed constant reminding that they were going to make it, that they had the inner strength to endure their current circumstances, warm-fuzzies and the knowledge that someone was in their corner believing in them even when they found it difficult to believe in themselves.

Some of the framed favorites that decorated the walls of my various office spaces included:

• “The best way out is always through.”
• “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it because a beautiful butterfly.”
• “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
• “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
• "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”
• "Faith makes things possible, not easy."

It would be difficult to carry these framed pieces of inspiration, motivation, affirmation, around with me everywhere we go (although my choice of purses are usually large enough to accommodate a kitchen sink).

Tattoos are the perfect way to take those reminders of hope or inspiration with us everywhere we go. And there is nothing wrong with needing reminders that we are unique, loved, strong, or filled with faith.

One of the things I am enjoying so much about this project – aside from seeing amazing art and meeting interesting people – is the fact that no matter how different each of us might be, we are all connected by our humanity. Our experiences might be different, but we can relate to one another on some many universal levels when it comes to love and self-acceptance.

Again, I am so thankful to those of you who have been so willing to share your stories with me. 

Zukeasha: Phoenix Rising

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller

I hadn’t planned on an interview last night because I have felt behind and guilty for not catching up sooner. [Oh the things I allow my brain to do to me sometimes.] Funny how, once again, I was humbled by the realization that people are put into my life at specific times because they show or tell me something that I need to hear. Of course, I would like to hope that the reverse is true – that perhaps I offer others something that they need at the time.

Truth be told, I had gone up to Amber Island to see Moto if only for a brief moment and an amazing hug.

In so doing, I had the great fortune of meeting Zukeasha, hearing her story and documenting the mythical phoenix as it rises from the flames into the beautiful serenity of a lotus. Before I dive completely into Keasha’s story, nerd that I am, I feel compelled to offer a brief note on the phoenix.

The phoenix is a sacred firebird documented in the mythologies of the Arabian, Persians, Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, Chinese, Indians and Phoenicians. Described as a bird with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends), the phoenix has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. Some stories suggest that the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (literally "sun-city" in Greek). The phoenix is said to utter a cry that is a beautiful song, and the tears of the phoenix are also believed to have healing properties.

Lotus Flowers grow in the deep mud, far away from the sun; however, the Lotus eventually reaches the light becoming the most beautiful flower ever. Regarded in many cultures and eastern religious as a symbol of purity, enlightenment, self-regeneration and rebirth, the characteristics of the Lotus create a perfect analogy for the human condition: even when its roots are in the dirtiest waters, the Lotus produces the most beautiful flower.

When she was a little girl, Keasha dreamed of becoming a doctor; as an adult, she found herself working for a corporation, like so many others, the soul of which is driven by financial gain. Instead of having the opportunity to develop close relationships with patients needing a gentle touch or warm reassurance, she found herself in a sterile cubicle – the antithesis of her childhood dream.

Like everyone else in America these last few years, Keasha felt the overwhelming burden of our troubled economy. With a daughter to support, leaving her corporate job was not an option despite the fact that she was miserable being there. Like so many of us have felt at moments in our lives, she was stuck: The weight of responsibility often outweighs the desires of personal ambition.

Faith and Divinity conspired, and one afternoon Keasha found herself in a meeting with one of the corporate human resources personnel. In the lingo of the corporate machine, she was being “let go.” Instead of being plagued with anxiety about how she would manage financially, how she would provide for her family, she allowed that door in her life to close with a rush a relief so clear that the individual letting her go was startled by Keasha’s calm demeanor.

On the path to becoming a respiratory therapist, Keasha is living her adult version of that childhood dream. Listening to her talk about school and the direction she is headed, I couldn’t help but feed on her excitement and energy. She said she feels like she is doing something meaningful with her life because instead of having a career that focuses on earning more money for other people, she will be doing something to help people in need.

Think about this – breath – breathing is the very foundation of life. When we stop breathing, we die. As a respiratory therapist, Keasha is moved by the thought of helping people breathe and improving the quality of their lives.   

The tattoo of the phoenix, rising from flame into the serenity of the lotus, symbolizes this dramatically positive change in Keasha’s life. She told me that with everything going on, she came to the profound realization that she might not be able to change or assert control over certain circumstances, but she can make changes in herself and her response to whatever circumstance in which she happens to find herself. One paramount key to this realization for Keasha has been self-acceptance and learning to love and embrace the essence of who she is and all she will continue to become.

On a personal note, what inspired me most about Keasha is the role model she is for her daughter. The three of us – Moto, Keasha and myself – went off on a tangent about children’s television programming. During our conversation, she and I agreed that we liked Dora the Explorer much better than the Disney Princesses because Dora is independent. She has a map, a back-pack and a monkey and, unlike the princesses who tend to rely on men for their rescue, Dora takes the old proverbial bull-by-the-horns and figures it out herself. We agreed that we much preferred Dora as a role model for our daughters for these very reasons.

I couldn’t help but think about what an amazing example Keasha is for her daughter. While she was in a job that she despised, she did not quit or walk away because she had responsibilities and commitments to fulfill and uphold. And when the divinity of the universe conspired in her favor and closed that corporate door, she confidently and gracefully walked through a new door, negotiating all the twists and turns leading her to the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. What an incredible gift to give to a child – especially one shared between mother and daughter.

Because of the choices she has made (not the “do as I say, but not as I do” hypocrisy), Keasha is a shining, living example for her daughter to never give up on her dreams, to work diligently, to be responsible, to be committed, to never give up, and that when one holds tightly to faith and hope, nothing is impossible.

Whitney's Sunflowers

When I walked into Moto’s room at the tattoo shop to meet Whitney, I was overcome by a sensation of utter peacefulness.

With the exception of her left arm and shoulder, where Moto was working on a beautiful tangle of earthy sunflowers with interwoven strips of film, Whitney was wrapped up in a zebra print Snuggy, head back, eyes closed, relaxing into each deep and purposeful breath.

She looked so comfy and cozy, in such a state of meditative bliss that I hated to interview her. I didn’t want to disrupt her peace and focus with a barrage of questions that would require her to think and talk and interact instead of finding comfort in that very moment while being tattooed.

I certainly plan on doing my own research throughout this process because I am curious and inquisitive; I love research and learning; and, I am proud to say, I am just a geek like that. I imagine there are all sorts of psychological research studies that deal with the physiology of tattoos and how tattoos affect the pain and pleasure centers in the brain, but this will be another blog. Note to self.

Whitney’s serenity immediately made her interesting – as did the sunflowers searching for sunlight along her upper arm and shoulder area. It is only natural that the first question I ask relates to the sunflowers and their significance to her; it goes without saying that she could have chosen from any wide variety of flowers that decorate our planet, but Whitney wanted sunflowers. A woman after my own heart.

“I knew I wanted sunflowers because they are my favorite flowers. They have so much inspiration. They are happy and I always loved how they follow the sun,” she said. “And I liked the fact that the gold wasn’t too different from my skin color.”

As we continued to talk, Whitney made a statement I have thought many times myself: “Sometimes it’s easy to forget to be happy.”

I’m not sure that this is true for everyone. There are some people who seem to be happy the majority of the time.

Optimists who always see a half-full glass and approach the world with an unyielding positivity. I have always envied people like this, because I have spent so much of my life looking at the worst case scenario. Since college (and really before then if I think about it), I have battled depression and anxiety issues that make it challenging for me to be the bubbling fountain of positivity I wanted to be. Being optimistic is something I have had to practice. Something I still practice. There are days when I struggle, but I have made so much progress.

I’ve heard Moto say several times now – the longer you don’t quit, the better you get. This is true with anything in life. Training the mind to perceive situations in a more positive manner is no different.

Whitney is an artist. She works in a salon and creates hair styles. Any profession that finds you sitting behind or across from someone in your chair immediately thrusts you into the role of counselor and confidant. Every time I get my hair cut and colored, I walk away feeling like I have also had a therapy session.

Remembering to be happy can be difficult, Whitney confided, especially if and when she has clients who are going through things or personal issues. This statement speaks volumes about how much she cares about people and what they might be coping with at any given moment. She is sensitive and compassionate, which, I think to myself (like me), makes her somewhat vulnerable. The unique ability to both sympathize and empathize are amazing character attributes; they also open the human heart wide, and can make one subject to feeling another’s pain or sadness.

Sunflowers, bright, strong and confident are open wide to the light and warmth of the sunshine, much like Whitney opens her mind and heart allowing other people to share their stories. Having them tattooed on her shoulder is a consistent reminder, she says, “of a little something you can look at to make you smile.”

Whitney told me that throughout her own personal journey, she has learned to talk more.

“Growing up I didn’t share myself with people. I didn’t know how to express emotions. And I still struggle as an adult, but I can express myself now. I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever had. And it works – not only because he’s great and perfect for me, but he’s that person that I know I can talk to. The good, the bad, whatever – he’s there – and I can just lay it all out. And being able to do that is the only way it helps.”

Like the sunflowers on her shoulder, I cannot help but make the analogy that Whitney continues to blossom and open in her own life.

In her state of serenity, I hated the idea of bombarding Whitney with questions. Naturally, I wondered why she didn’t share herself or her emotions much growing up. Why it was a struggle. My hope is to recommend with her to ask these questions, as I am doing my diligence to not analyze people (though the counselor in me makes that difficult).

The juxtaposition of the filmstrip – something man-made thus a drastic difference compared to the natural growth and development of sunflowers – literally captures talent, creativity, moments of raw and genuine emotion in each frame – compelled me to ask the questions what and why?

“The film strip. That we’ll do later. The base is already there. It’s because I love movies. It’s always something I wanted,” Whitney said. “Growing up, we didn’t really watch cable. We watched movies all the time. And that was always special. So I thought to incorporate that, but also make it more personal if I put things that kind of describe the person I am in the film strip slots.”

I would be remiss not to ask Whitney what her plans for the filmstrip slots were. “I have a lot of ideas. Definitely something to do with music. I have a huge passion to hear it, play it, watch it, everything. Something to do with hair. And then I have several other ideas – maybe a cross or something to represent my upbringing. Who knows? I don’t want to make any hasty decisions.”

Whitney’s tattoo is a beautiful work in progress. My hope, of course, is that she will allow me to follow her on her journey as she and Moto develop pieces for the filmstrip and continue to work on the piece as a whole.

I typically have a difficult time leaving “things” incomplete. As I continue through this journey, I am reminded that, like everything else in my life, this project, this blog, my dream of creating a complete and publishable book are works in progress. Our personal journeys and stories, I suspect, are never fully complete. As we grow and evolve, so do all of the moments of meaning in our lives.

This is only the beginning of Whitney’s story. Of this, I am positive. Again, my hope is that she will continue to share her story with me as it develops. 

Alchemy

It might seem as though I have been slack in the writing department. I assure you, I have not. Whether or not it gets put on paper, my brain is constantly writing. Ideas flash through the grey matter at alamaring (not really - it is not a schizophrenic flight of ideas and to steal from my favorite Sheldon Cooper - "I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested!")

While I am playing catch-up on my interview transcription and blog posts, I thought I would share one of my recent columns from the paper - that would be The Pickens County Courier. I have a weekly column and if you subscribe and say you are subscribing because of my column, I might get a raise or at least begin making above minimum wage (wink, wink - nod, nod) ... Geez! I am on a Sassy role this morning. Must be the high octance coffee.

This "post" might not relate to tattooing per se, but it does relate to one of my tattoos (story to come) and I think it will connect as this project unfolds. That said .....

I imagine most people are fairly conventional when it comes to relationships.

Two people meet and begin dating. They take ample time to get to know one another, to develop trust, emotional intimacy, strong communication processes. Maybe they also develop a physical intimacy built, again, on trust and communication. They share their individual needs and wants and begin to dream of a future together making those hopes and desires a reality.

At some point, they decide they want to get married, so they get engaged. The engagement process is typically proportional in time measurement to the months and (or) years leading up to the engagement. The couple gets married and settles into life together. Maybe they start a family. They evolve as a unit built on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance. Mutual respect and appreciation.

I’m certain it will come as no surprise to my regular readers that I see love from a slightly unorthodox perspective, which is to say that the romantic in me believes in love at first sight and soul mates. The notion that God, in all of his infinite wisdom, has divinely created perfect matches that he unites when the timing is correct.

Recently I reread my copy of Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist (an AMAZING book if you’ve never read it). In hindsight, I believe that I was drawn to the novel at the perfect time last year. My Mom had recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and my world felt like it was crumbling around me. Looking back, it was also around this time that my marriage was slowly unraveling, stitch by stitch.

The book offered me a renewed spiritual peace from which I was able to cope with the massive changes taking place in my life at that time. It made me feel grounded and it gave me hope for the future.

As I read back through it, the following passage caught my attention: “At that moment, it seemed to him that time stood still, and the Soul of the World surged within him …. he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke – the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. Something that exerted the same force whenever two pairs of eyes met, as had theirs here at the well. She smiled, and that was certainly an omen – the omen he had been awaiting, without even knowing he was, for all his life.”

“It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because when you know that language, it’s easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it’s in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one’s dreams would have no meaning.”

I find myself exploring this possibility because – without even being consciously aware of it – I have ascribed to this philosophy my entire life. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that everything – good or bad – just or unjust – happens for a reason.

Everything we experience in our lives – the challenges, the triumphs, the failures, the setbacks, the joy and sorrow, pain and heartache – all of these things mould and shape us into the people we are supposed to be. Following the Biblical analogy where God is the potter and we are the clay – being ever shaped into the most perfect form of ourselves at the exact moment in our lives when it is imperative.

There was a time when I thought my hopelessly romantic nature was silly. Childish. My perspective, however, has shifted. I believe in the divinity of soul mates because I believe that God’s love is limitless.

The biggest problem in my marriages has been that I have lacked God as a foundation. Ever the control freak, I wanted to be in charge of every detail rather than giving it up to God and allowing Him to take the reins. I lacked faith, instead allowing myself to be consumed by fear and uncertainty.

I am saying good-bye to fear as the guiding force in my life, and replacing it with Faith, Hope and the knowledge that, with God, nothing is impossible. 

Epiphany

Driving home from Liberty this evening - I had gone there to meet Tracey, one of the women who has expressed interest about being interviewed for my book project – I had an epiphany of sorts. Writing about it now, it seems silly that something so glaring obvious struck me like lightening even when I felt like I had thought through the variety of meanings this process would hold.

Even after careful consideration, which for me is typically tantamount to extreme over-analysis, I was headed up the Easley exit, preparing to merge onto Highway 123 en route home, and it hit me: interviewing, recording and listening to other people is going to teach me so much about myself!

It is completely fine if you are thinking “DUH … Nicole!” I’m ok with that because I thought the same thing. Of course I am going to learn something about myself, about my life, about the human condition. Talking with people and hearing their stories is no different than sifting through anthologies of American Literature: these individual stories give the listener (or reader) a new perspective to consider – a unique looking glass through which to view everyday life. Stories make us more human.

The only difference between the people with whom I’m meeting and my endless volumes of Norton Anthologies is that the people inviting me into their lives and homes are not published …. YET!

As the idea that I will experience personal growth through this process [said with an exaggerated overly twangy southern accent] slaps me upside my head  (dangerous while trying to merge onto Highway 123 I might add), it also occurred to me that coinciding with the stories I am telling – the ones that do not belong to me – I might have some stories of my own, emotional responses and reflections, or maybe even times when, dare I say it, I agree to disagree with the philosophies of any particular story teller.

And because talking with people sparks ideas and generates feelings, I might want to write about those things. But I can’t – can I? This project isn’t about me; it is about other people’s stories. Obviously I have a few tattoos that have stories behind them. Deeply personal meanings that I had planned to share, peppered in among the numerous other stories I am excited to hear and write.

One of my dearest grad school friends now part of my family, Kim, recommended I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat. Pray. Love. I purchased the book, and it sat on my book shelf for about a year before the universe drew me to all of the incredible insights captured between the covers. While I would never compare myself to Gilbert as a writer, this Soul to Skin Project upon which I have embarked is really no different than Gilbert’s trek around the world as she discovers herself. Of course I am going to grow as a human being throughout this process! Nicole, me, as a unique individual … I use writing as a way to digest my feelings and make sense out of what I have learned.

I say all this to say that, driving home from Liberty, my mind, heart and spirit were flooded with thoughts and feelings. Things I need to digest and process and write about, and I am going to allow myself the opportunity to do just that as I work on this project. I hope you, my readers, will not find it selfish that I am doing this – that I am giving myself permission to become a part of this project instead of being an outside observer who merely records and regurgitates (I don’t mean that to sound gross. I just love that word). Maybe, just maybe, some of my insights and observations will resonate with the readers out there?

I feel like a broken record in saying this, AGAIN, but I am terribly excited about this project, process and journey. Soul to Skin continues to evolve and is taking on a life all its own. I thank you all for your patience (as I learn to juggle all the responsibilities in my life that I am now doing as a single parent), your support and encouragement and excitement about the Soul to Skin Project (my baby in the making), and for making me feel like I have permission to grow and learn and evolve throughout this process.